Finding things to be grateful for

I mentioned in October that I was not yet practicing daily gratitude. I decided to fix that and, as is the routine for me, I felt compelled to buy a couple of things to get started. Thus far I’ve managed to find several things each day to feel positive about.

I probably couldn’t have picked a worse time to start this, though. The next four years of craziness and likely despair across our Southern border are going to be challenging to set aside each morning. But I am making the attempt, and finding it is a helpful habit to work on.

Getting started

Writing is a very ‘tactile’ thing for me: I could be so much more efficient with a computer, but if I hold a pen and write on a piece of paper the feelings are different. Efficiency isn’t my intention for my gratitude notes, at least not at this point: feelings take precedence.

So I sought out nice notepad with good paper, a comfortable writing implement, and a small leather cover for the notepad that feels good in my hands. I picked a Moleskine ‘field journal’ sized notebook: Moleskine paper products have a nice feel to them when writing, and I thought the small size might prevent me from trying to write too many words.

I selected a mechanical pencil for my writing: pencil can be erased easily, and at the moment I feel that is a necessary capability. For fun I picked a different kind of pencil than I’ve used before, an Uno Kurotoga ‘Roulette’ that does some fancy rotating of the pencil lead to keep it even while writing. And of course I need an eraser to allow me to quickly undo my numerous mistakes.

Finally I added a completely unnecessary leather cover for the notebook. I like the feel and scent of leather and it makes the notebook a bit more substantial. It also has slots for my pencil and eraser, which is handy.

Establishing a habit

Irene and I have a daily ‘date’ each morning, drinking our beverages of choice every morning on the couch while we look through our East-facing windows at the mountains. This has become a quiet and often multi-hour activity in retirement.

I’ve inserted the writing of my ‘gratitude’ notes into this morning ritual and thus far it has been working well. I find that shifting my gears to think about what is worth appreciating fits well into this time. Irene usually ends up with the dog, Finn, lying half on her lap, and I often have to write around a cat who settles on me.

I think the key factor in this working so far for me is the peace all these factors bring. The view of the mountains, our pets, each other and the lack of any particular place to go or things to do creates a contemplative mood. I am not sure whether I could have done this so easily before retirement: my mind was just too busy when I was working.

Finding positivity

Right at the moment I am struggling each day, even with all the goodness in my life, to find positive things to write. I don’t aim for quantity or complexity: just three things being the goal, with simplicity being perfectly acceptable. Most days for the past week or so I’ve found that the things I find I’m grateful for are very small: the way the dog sighs as he lays his head in Irene’s lap, or how I can just barely see the mountains through the morning fog.

I feel better when I close my little book after writing my three items down. It isn’t some great flood of joy, but rather a little bit of soft warmth. I am trying to hold on to that feeling a bit longer when I can, to be a bit kinder. My depression and anxiety often make me sullen and argumentative, and that is what I would most like to change.

Writing a handful of words in a book each day isn’t going to make me a better person. But it might help me change my perspective just enough to slowly switch paths a bit. I’m not dead yet, and so I have to at least try to be somewhat better each day.